Friday, November 22, 2013


Monster #: 836,253

What Is It: A very vicious, very mean monster.

What Does It Want: To attack innocent creatures.

Why: He enjoys being on top of the food chain.

I Thought People Were On Top of the Food Chain: Thought wrong, buddy.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Gen. Harry Hausen

Monster #: 1,920

What Is It: The general of an army of skeleton warriors.

What Does It Want: To ravage and pillage the land as much as possible.

Why: 'Cuz its master wants it to do that. Come on.

What Is It A Skeleton Of: That's a whole 'nother monster, my friend.

Monday, November 18, 2013


Monster #: 8,346

What Is It: Some sort of bio-mechanical monstrosity.

What Does It Want: To constantly proclaim his brilliance.

Is He Brilliant: Ha ha, no.

Really: Yeah, he's an idiot who thinks he's a genius.

So He's Incredibly Dangerous: Oh yes.

Friday, November 15, 2013

The Dolasaur

Monster #: 914,004

What Is It: A very content dinosaur.

What Does It Want: To live a life free of troubles.

Wait, Is Thing Still Alive: Yes.

It Survived The Meteor: Yes.

Where The Hell Is It: It lives in Staten Island. People just haven't noticed it yet.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Smiling Face

Monster #: 2,045

What Is It: A smiling face.

Why Is It Smiling: Because it knows something you don't.

Is The Face... Evil: Probably.

Yeah, THAT'S Reassuring: Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

Monday, November 11, 2013

The Sneek

Monster #: 62,562

What Is It: Some sort of angry, bird-like thing.

Why Is It Angry: It's a monster. It'd be more surprising if it wasn't angry.

That's Too Bad: I know.

I Want Everything to Be Happy: A noble dream.

Friday, November 8, 2013

The Moony Bird

Monster #: 87,205

What Is It: A big, goofy bird.

What Does It Want: Who knows. To survive I imagine.

How Is It "Goofy": I don't know. He kinda moves around all goofy-like. You know, he just looks goofy.

So You Don't Know: You've got a real attitude, mister.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Blooog

Monster #: 984,035

What Is It: Some sort of many-tentacled sea creature.

What Does It Want: To eat fish and other sea stuff I think.

So Its Mouth Is At the Top of Its Head: Yeah, looks like it.

Wow, That's Pretty Weird: That's what's thrown you off? After all the monsters you've seen? Jeez, pal.

Monday, November 4, 2013

The Dregnargg

Monster #: 9,239

What Is It: A very nasty, vicious monster.

What Does It Want: It wants whatever wants and doesn't care how it gets it.

What Is It Doing: It appears to be staring at something.

That's Not Good: Not for what it's staring at, that's for sure!

Friday, November 1, 2013


Monster #: 4,614

What Is It: A very sad, very droopy monster.

What Does It Want: He doesn't know. That's why he's so sad.

Maybe He Should Start Working Out: That's a good idea.

I Always Feel Better After I Start Working Out: Me too.

Let's Be Workout Buddies: I want to workout buddies with you.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


Monster #: 3,030

What Is It: A very wise, very smug monster.

What Does It Want: To be right about everything.

How Is It Right About Everything: It's third eye can see all.

I Don't Like the Sound of That: No, you don't like the SIGHT of that.

Monday, October 28, 2013

The Boggler

Monster #: 67,205

What Is It: A very befuddled monster.

Why Is It So Befuddled: Life man. It's crazy, you know.

What About Life Is So Crazy: You know... the daily grind... stuff like that.

You Don't Know, Do You: Well, neither do you!

Friday, October 25, 2013


Monster #: 5,205

What Is It: A very mean fish.

What Does It Want: To bully other, smaller fish.

Wait, Does This Fish Have Legs: Yes.

But, HOW: Swam into radioactive waste, what else?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Beast of the Atlantic

Monster #: 78,376

What Is It: ...A beast from the Atlantic Ocean... What else?

What Does It Want: To wreck any ship that crosses its ocean.

Does That Mean: Yes, it wasn't an iceberg that hit the Titanic...

My God, James Cameron's Movie Was a Lie: James Cameron is a liar.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


Monster #: 87,234

What Is It: A tiny, perpetually freaked out little monster.

What Does It Want: To not be so scared all the time.

Why Is It Always So Scared: Life is scary, man.

That's True, I'm a College Graduate: Same.

Monday, October 14, 2013


Monster #: 89,235

What Is It: The cruel king of the planet Kremularg.

What Does It Want: To be mean to all his subjects.

Why: 'cuz he's a jerk.

But WHY Is He Such a Jerk: Because he can be. It's like life, man.

Whoah: Whoah.

Friday, October 11, 2013

The Mahyuk

Monster #: 456,274

What Is It: An angry, pissed off monster.

Why's It So Angry: Cuz it's left arm is kinda screwed up.

It's Not So Bad: Yeah, but he's really insecure.

That's Too Bad: Even monsters have self-image problems.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Krumble

Monster #: 2,836

What Is It: A really, really big monster.

What Does It Want: To eat creatures smaller than it.

How Many Creatures Are Smaller than It: All of them.

Gulp: Yep.

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Red Dragon

Monster #: 9,735

What Is It: A red dragon that lives in the forest.

What Does It Want: To live alone in peace.

What's It Looking: Stuff that's going to disrupt his sanctuary.

What Kind of Stuff: Pretty much everything that's been invented in the last 1,000 years.

Friday, October 4, 2013

The Green-Eyed Demon

Monster #: 67,145

What Is It: A shapeless demon that possess whomever it sees fit.

What Does It Want: What else? To cause trouble.

Why: Gotta get your kicks somewhere, I guess?

How Can I Tell If Someone Is Possessed: If they have green eyes. Only demons have green eyes.

Oh No! My Best Friend Has Green Eyes: Oh no!

What Do I Do!!?: Beats us! We're just scientists! We don't actually know anything!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Grund

Monster #: 65,256

What Is It: A sad, pathetic little monster.

What Does It Want: To not be so sad and pathetic.

Why Is It Sad and Pathetic: It's head is so big it can barely lift it up. And it's mouth is mostly teeth.

Yikes: It's a dentist's dream.

Monday, September 30, 2013

The Happisum

Monster #: 87,004

What Is It: A very happy monster.

What Does It Want: To be happy.

That's It: Yep.

Seems Kinda Lacking: Well, are you happy?

...No: There you go.

Friday, September 27, 2013

The Vizzioneer

Monster #: 983,200

What Is It: Unknown at this time.

What Does It Want: Unknown at this time.

Well, What DO You Know: He appears to have a message that he wants us to hear.

What Is His Message: We don't speak his language. Whoops!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Monster #: 90,529

What Is It: Pac-Man's lesser known brother.

What Does He Want: To be just as good as Pac-Man!

Can He Be As Good as Pac-Man: No, of course not.

Why Not: He's actually super racist.

Oh My: Yeah, it's really terrible.

Monday, September 23, 2013


Monster #: 3,682

What Is It: Some sort of smiling monster.

What Does It Want: Hell if I know. We don't know everything about these things damnit!

Jeez, Sorry: Yeah, well, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have snapped.

This One Little Monster Has Caused Us To Get Mad At Each Other: It truly is the most evil monster there is.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Zep and Gunk

Monster #: 978,001 and 978,002

What Are They: Two weird little things.

What Do They Want: We don't know.

They Both Look Pretty Nervous: Yeah, they don't look too happy.

I Better If You Weren't So Lazy You Could Find Out: Yeah I bet-HEY!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Slemmy

Monster #: 2,956

What Is It: A friendly monster that lives on your head.

What Does It Want: It wants to help you!

What Kind of Help: Homework, relationship troubles, car problems, all that stuff.

Wow, Really: Oh yes.

Man, I Need to Get a Slemmy: They've very rare so keep an eye out!

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Littlest Billings

Monster #: 898,396

What Is It: The littlest Billings.

So...: So, everybody makes fun of him for being so little.

That's Not Fair: Of course it's not fair!

Can He Do Anything About It: No. His life is doomed to eternal mockery.

This is Powerfully Depressing: Hey, maybe one day a Billings will be born littler than him!

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Gentleman

Monster #: 983,402

What Is It: He is the gentleman of the universe.

What Does That MEAN: He travels from planet to planet, gentleman-ing it up.

What Does THAT Mean: He acts as sort of an ambassador to the planet's dignataries.

And What Does THAT Mean: He decides whether a planet lives or dies. There, you happy?


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Trellump

Monster #: 56,712

What Is It: Some sort of wandering creature.

What Does It Want: Beats us. It seems to like to travel in packs.

He's Kinda Got a Smug Expression: Yeah, he does.

I Don't Care For That: Me either.

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Loch Ness Monster

Monster #: 12

What Is It: Uh, the Loch Ness Monster.

THE Loch Ness Monster: Yes indeedy, Nessie herself.

Wow, That's So Cool: It sure is!

So, Is There Any New Information On Her: Yes, she's actually Irish.

Oh Wow: Yeah.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Walter Rumson

Monster #: 6,799

What Is It: A poor man blessed with terrible powers.

Like What: He can see infinite potentiality.

That Doesn't Sound So Bad: He has no choice in the matter.

Oh: Yeah, he sees everything at every moment all the time.

Yikes: He's one of the sadder cases in our files.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Stanton's Ghost

Monster #: 6,003

What Is It: The ghost of the fearsome western gangster, Henry Stanton.

What Does It Want: To haunt the men who gunned him down.

Wait, Who Gunned Him Down: The sheriff and his law enforcement.

How's That Fair: What do you mean?

Why Should An Evil Crook Get the Chance to Haunt the Good People Who Stopped Him: Uh.... life's not fair?

That's Not a Very Good Answer: Look, we're trying!

Monday, September 2, 2013


Monster #: 78,367

What Is It: A very clever, conniving monster.

What Does It Want: It looks like it wants to trick that poor kid.

What's He Smiling About: Man, you don't want to know.

I Don't Like This Guy At All: Join the club!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Rokden

Monster #: 300,397

What Is It: Who knows. He's weird lookin' though.

What Does He Want: To stare at me apparently. STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Is His Head a Skull: Probably! Trying to creep me out!

It's Not All About You, You Know: Shut up.

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Krumms

Monster #: 936,048

What Are They: Some sort of spirits that live just beyond your field of vision.

What Do They Want: Not known at this time.

They're Kinda Creepy Lookin': Yeah.

I Don't Like Creepy Things: Neither do we!

Friday, August 16, 2013

The Goofinians

Monster #: 499,236

What Are They: Goofy little monsters.

What's Their Deals: The orange one is stupid, the red one is energetic and the blue one is sad.

Are They Friends: The best of friends!

Do They Ever Get Anything Accomplished: Nope!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Blue Gragnarr

Monster #: 98,456

What Is It: A very big, very hungry monster.

What Does It Want: To eat everything.

Everything: EVERYTHING.

What Happens When It Eats Everything: Then it stops. As does the world.

Monday, August 12, 2013

The Graveyard

Monster #: 8

What Is It: A graveyard. What else?

That's Not Really a Monster: No, but it's where some monsters come from.

Like What: Zombies, ghouls, vampires, stuff like that.

How Come Graveyards Are Spooky? Why Can't There Be a Nice Graveyard: I don't know! Ask someone else!

Friday, August 9, 2013

The Dark One

Monster #: 85,295

What Is It: A nasty creature that lives in the dark.

What Does It Want: Why your soul, what else.

What Does It Want With My Soul: He's a collector.

Oh, Like a Comic Book Collector: Yeah, sort of.

With Souls Instead of Comic Books: Yes.

...Still Don't Like Him: Can't blame ya'.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Mordred

Monster #: 900,003

What Is It: A monster disguised as an alien landscape.

What Does It Want: To trap passing spaceships.

What, They Don't Notice The Tunnel Looks Like a Mouth: Look, you've seen "The Empire Strikes Back," right.

Yeah: Same deal.

Oh: Mmhmm.

Isn't That a Movie: Movies can be true too you know!

Monday, August 5, 2013

The Yammering

Monster #: 567,258

What Is It: A big monster that likes to talk and talk and talk...

What Does It Want: To talk and talk and talk...

Why: He can't stop, that's all he can do.

How Sad: His is a life of tragedy indeed.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Dragnarn

Monster #: 4,533

What Is It: A nasty monster that flies through the night.

What Does It Want: Who knows. Whatever he wants, he's pretty happy about it.

What Am I Looking At, Is It A Dream: Maybe.

Nothing You Say Is Ever Reassuring: I swear, all YOU ever do is complain.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013


Monster #: 96,043

What Is It: Some sort of winged-monster.

What Does It Want: We don't know. He looks kinda smug though.

What's He So Smug About: Well, he can fly. And you can't.

That's True: Yeah.

At Least I Have Arms: Yeah, you're right! He's not so great.

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Greech

Monster #: 865,269

What Is It: A scaly, slimy monster that lives in the water.

What Does It Want: To seriously creep you out.

Why: Man, why do any of these monsters do anything?

Cause They're Jerks: Yeah, that's about right.

Friday, July 26, 2013


Monster #: 6,429

What Is It: A generally angry and annoyed monster.

Why Is It So Angry: Some monsters are just born angry.

What's It Angry About: Oh you know, the usual stuff: life, people, the environment, the world, the universe.

Does Anything NOT Make Him Angry: Inexplicably he's rather fond of playing bocce ball. We don't know why.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Ayng

Monster #: 67,003

What Is It: A small little monster.

What Does It Want: It doesn't want to hurt anybody. But it does.

How? Why: The Ayng has a strange condition where it causes paranoia and neurosis in people it comes near.

Oh Wow: Yes, it's pretty bad.

Poor Guy: Yeah, he doesn't have a great life.

Monday, July 22, 2013


Monster #: 78,123

What Is It: A very cruel looking monster.

What's It Looking At: Who knows. I don't like how happy he is about it though.

What Does It Want: What any monster wants, to chill out and be cool.

I Want That Too: We ALL do.

Monday, July 15, 2013


Monster #: 86,844

What Is It: A monster that lurks in the dark.

What Does It Want: To scare people obviously. I mean duh.

Why: I dunno. That's his schtick. He's proud of it.

Why Is He In Black and White: It's very artistic this way.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Monster #: 60

What Is It: The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

You Mean, Like the Victor Hugo Novel: No, the University.

The Hunchback of the University of Notre Dame: Yes, the very same.

What... Huh... Uh... : Yeah, flunked out and now he hangs out with the bells.

This Is All Very Confusing: Look, it's a college thing, OK?