Friday, November 22, 2013
Monster #: 836,253
What Is It: A very vicious, very mean monster.
What Does It Want: To attack innocent creatures.
Why: He enjoys being on top of the food chain.
I Thought People Were On Top of the Food Chain: Thought wrong, buddy.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Monster #: 1,920
What Is It: The general of an army of skeleton warriors.
What Does It Want: To ravage and pillage the land as much as possible.
Why: 'Cuz its master wants it to do that. Come on.
What Is It A Skeleton Of: That's a whole 'nother monster, my friend.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Monster #: 8,346
What Is It: Some sort of bio-mechanical monstrosity.
What Does It Want: To constantly proclaim his brilliance.
Is He Brilliant: Ha ha, no.
Really: Yeah, he's an idiot who thinks he's a genius.
So He's Incredibly Dangerous: Oh yes.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Monster #: 914,004
What Is It: A very content dinosaur.
What Does It Want: To live a life free of troubles.
Wait, Is Thing Still Alive: Yes.
It Survived The Meteor: Yes.
Where The Hell Is It: It lives in Staten Island. People just haven't noticed it yet.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Monster #: 2,045
What Is It: A smiling face.
Why Is It Smiling: Because it knows something you don't.
Is The Face... Evil: Probably.
Yeah, THAT'S Reassuring: Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Monster #: 62,562
What Is It: Some sort of angry, bird-like thing.
Why Is It Angry: It's a monster. It'd be more surprising if it wasn't angry.
That's Too Bad: I know.
I Want Everything to Be Happy: A noble dream.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Monster #: 87,205
What Is It: A big, goofy bird.
What Does It Want: Who knows. To survive I imagine.
How Is It "Goofy": I don't know. He kinda moves around all goofy-like. You know, he just looks goofy.
So You Don't Know: You've got a real attitude, mister.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Monster #: 984,035
What Is It: Some sort of many-tentacled sea creature.
What Does It Want: To eat fish and other sea stuff I think.
So Its Mouth Is At the Top of Its Head: Yeah, looks like it.
Wow, That's Pretty Weird: That's what's thrown you off? After all the monsters you've seen? Jeez, pal.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Monster #: 9,239
What Is It: A very nasty, vicious monster.
What Does It Want: It wants whatever wants and doesn't care how it gets it.
What Is It Doing: It appears to be staring at something.
That's Not Good: Not for what it's staring at, that's for sure!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Monster #: 4,614
What Is It: A very sad, very droopy monster.
What Does It Want: He doesn't know. That's why he's so sad.
Maybe He Should Start Working Out: That's a good idea.
I Always Feel Better After I Start Working Out: Me too.
Let's Be Workout Buddies: I want to workout buddies with you.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monster #: 3,030
What Is It: A very wise, very smug monster.
What Does It Want: To be right about everything.
How Is It Right About Everything: It's third eye can see all.
I Don't Like the Sound of That: No, you don't like the SIGHT of that.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Monster #: 67,205
What Is It: A very befuddled monster.
Why Is It So Befuddled: Life man. It's crazy, you know.
What About Life Is So Crazy: You know... the daily grind... stuff like that.
You Don't Know, Do You: Well, neither do you!
Friday, October 25, 2013
Monster #: 5,205
What Is It: A very mean fish.
What Does It Want: To bully other, smaller fish.
Wait, Does This Fish Have Legs: Yes.
But, HOW: Swam into radioactive waste, what else?
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Monster #: 78,376
What Is It: ...A beast from the Atlantic Ocean... What else?
What Does It Want: To wreck any ship that crosses its ocean.
Does That Mean: Yes, it wasn't an iceberg that hit the Titanic...
My God, James Cameron's Movie Was a Lie: James Cameron is a liar.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Monster #: 87,234
What Is It: A tiny, perpetually freaked out little monster.
What Does It Want: To not be so scared all the time.
Why Is It Always So Scared: Life is scary, man.
That's True, I'm a College Graduate: Same.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Monster #: 89,235
What Is It: The cruel king of the planet Kremularg.
What Does It Want: To be mean to all his subjects.
Why: 'cuz he's a jerk.
But WHY Is He Such a Jerk: Because he can be. It's like life, man.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Monster #: 456,274
What Is It: An angry, pissed off monster.
Why's It So Angry: Cuz it's left arm is kinda screwed up.
It's Not So Bad: Yeah, but he's really insecure.
That's Too Bad: Even monsters have self-image problems.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Monster #: 2,836
What Is It: A really, really big monster.
What Does It Want: To eat creatures smaller than it.
How Many Creatures Are Smaller than It: All of them.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Monster #: 9,735
What Is It: A red dragon that lives in the forest.
What Does It Want: To live alone in peace.
What's It Looking: Stuff that's going to disrupt his sanctuary.
What Kind of Stuff: Pretty much everything that's been invented in the last 1,000 years.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Monster #: 67,145
What Is It: A shapeless demon that possess whomever it sees fit.
What Does It Want: What else? To cause trouble.
Why: Gotta get your kicks somewhere, I guess?
How Can I Tell If Someone Is Possessed: If they have green eyes. Only demons have green eyes.
Oh No! My Best Friend Has Green Eyes: Oh no!
What Do I Do!!?: Beats us! We're just scientists! We don't actually know anything!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Monster #: 65,256
What Is It: A sad, pathetic little monster.
What Does It Want: To not be so sad and pathetic.
Why Is It Sad and Pathetic: It's head is so big it can barely lift it up. And it's mouth is mostly teeth.
Yikes: It's a dentist's dream.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Monster #: 983,200
What Is It: Unknown at this time.
What Does It Want: Unknown at this time.
Well, What DO You Know: He appears to have a message that he wants us to hear.
What Is His Message: We don't speak his language. Whoops!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monster #: 90,529
What Is It: Pac-Man's lesser known brother.
What Does He Want: To be just as good as Pac-Man!
Can He Be As Good as Pac-Man: No, of course not.
Why Not: He's actually super racist.
Oh My: Yeah, it's really terrible.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Monster #: 3,682
What Is It: Some sort of smiling monster.
What Does It Want: Hell if I know. We don't know everything about these things damnit!
Jeez, Sorry: Yeah, well, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have snapped.
This One Little Monster Has Caused Us To Get Mad At Each Other: It truly is the most evil monster there is.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Monster #: 978,001 and 978,002
What Are They: Two weird little things.
What Do They Want: We don't know.
They Both Look Pretty Nervous: Yeah, they don't look too happy.
I Better If You Weren't So Lazy You Could Find Out: Yeah I bet-HEY!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monster #: 2,956
What Is It: A friendly monster that lives on your head.
What Does It Want: It wants to help you!
What Kind of Help: Homework, relationship troubles, car problems, all that stuff.
Wow, Really: Oh yes.
Man, I Need to Get a Slemmy: They've very rare so keep an eye out!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Monster #: 898,396
What Is It: The littlest Billings.
So...: So, everybody makes fun of him for being so little.
That's Not Fair: Of course it's not fair!
Can He Do Anything About It: No. His life is doomed to eternal mockery.
This is Powerfully Depressing: Hey, maybe one day a Billings will be born littler than him!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Monster #: 983,402
What Is It: He is the gentleman of the universe.
What Does That MEAN: He travels from planet to planet, gentleman-ing it up.
What Does THAT Mean: He acts as sort of an ambassador to the planet's dignataries.
And What Does THAT Mean: He decides whether a planet lives or dies. There, you happy?
No: WELL NEITHER AM I!!!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Monster #: 56,712
What Is It: Some sort of wandering creature.
What Does It Want: Beats us. It seems to like to travel in packs.
He's Kinda Got a Smug Expression: Yeah, he does.
I Don't Care For That: Me either.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Monster #: 12
What Is It: Uh, the Loch Ness Monster.
THE Loch Ness Monster: Yes indeedy, Nessie herself.
Wow, That's So Cool: It sure is!
So, Is There Any New Information On Her: Yes, she's actually Irish.
Oh Wow: Yeah.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Monster #: 6,799
What Is It: A poor man blessed with terrible powers.
Like What: He can see infinite potentiality.
That Doesn't Sound So Bad: He has no choice in the matter.
Oh: Yeah, he sees everything at every moment all the time.
Yikes: He's one of the sadder cases in our files.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Monster #: 6,003
What Is It: The ghost of the fearsome western gangster, Henry Stanton.
What Does It Want: To haunt the men who gunned him down.
Wait, Who Gunned Him Down: The sheriff and his law enforcement.
How's That Fair: What do you mean?
Why Should An Evil Crook Get the Chance to Haunt the Good People Who Stopped Him: Uh.... life's not fair?
That's Not a Very Good Answer: Look, we're trying!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Monster #: 78,367
What Is It: A very clever, conniving monster.
What Does It Want: It looks like it wants to trick that poor kid.
What's He Smiling About: Man, you don't want to know.
I Don't Like This Guy At All: Join the club!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Monster #: 300,397
What Is It: Who knows. He's weird lookin' though.
What Does He Want: To stare at me apparently. STOP LOOKING AT ME!
Is His Head a Skull: Probably! Trying to creep me out!
It's Not All About You, You Know: Shut up.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monster #: 936,048
What Are They: Some sort of spirits that live just beyond your field of vision.
What Do They Want: Not known at this time.
They're Kinda Creepy Lookin': Yeah.
I Don't Like Creepy Things: Neither do we!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Monster #: 499,236
What Are They: Goofy little monsters.
What's Their Deals: The orange one is stupid, the red one is energetic and the blue one is sad.
Are They Friends: The best of friends!
Do They Ever Get Anything Accomplished: Nope!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Monster #: 98,456
What Is It: A very big, very hungry monster.
What Does It Want: To eat everything.
What Happens When It Eats Everything: Then it stops. As does the world.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Monster #: 8
What Is It: A graveyard. What else?
That's Not Really a Monster: No, but it's where some monsters come from.
Like What: Zombies, ghouls, vampires, stuff like that.
How Come Graveyards Are Spooky? Why Can't There Be a Nice Graveyard: I don't know! Ask someone else!
Friday, August 9, 2013
Monster #: 85,295
What Is It: A nasty creature that lives in the dark.
What Does It Want: Why your soul, what else.
What Does It Want With My Soul: He's a collector.
Oh, Like a Comic Book Collector: Yeah, sort of.
With Souls Instead of Comic Books: Yes.
...Still Don't Like Him: Can't blame ya'.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Monster #: 900,003
What Is It: A monster disguised as an alien landscape.
What Does It Want: To trap passing spaceships.
What, They Don't Notice The Tunnel Looks Like a Mouth: Look, you've seen "The Empire Strikes Back," right.
Yeah: Same deal.
Isn't That a Movie: Movies can be true too you know!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Monster #: 567,258
What Is It: A big monster that likes to talk and talk and talk...
What Does It Want: To talk and talk and talk...
Why: He can't stop, that's all he can do.
How Sad: His is a life of tragedy indeed.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Monster #: 4,533
What Is It: A nasty monster that flies through the night.
What Does It Want: Who knows. Whatever he wants, he's pretty happy about it.
What Am I Looking At, Is It A Dream: Maybe.
Nothing You Say Is Ever Reassuring: I swear, all YOU ever do is complain.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Monster #: 96,043
What Is It: Some sort of winged-monster.
What Does It Want: We don't know. He looks kinda smug though.
What's He So Smug About: Well, he can fly. And you can't.
That's True: Yeah.
At Least I Have Arms: Yeah, you're right! He's not so great.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Monster #: 865,269
What Is It: A scaly, slimy monster that lives in the water.
What Does It Want: To seriously creep you out.
Why: Man, why do any of these monsters do anything?
Cause They're Jerks: Yeah, that's about right.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Monster #: 6,429
What Is It: A generally angry and annoyed monster.
Why Is It So Angry: Some monsters are just born angry.
What's It Angry About: Oh you know, the usual stuff: life, people, the environment, the world, the universe.
Does Anything NOT Make Him Angry: Inexplicably he's rather fond of playing bocce ball. We don't know why.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monster #: 67,003
What Is It: A small little monster.
What Does It Want: It doesn't want to hurt anybody. But it does.
How? Why: The Ayng has a strange condition where it causes paranoia and neurosis in people it comes near.
Oh Wow: Yes, it's pretty bad.
Poor Guy: Yeah, he doesn't have a great life.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Monster #: 78,123
What Is It: A very cruel looking monster.
What's It Looking At: Who knows. I don't like how happy he is about it though.
What Does It Want: What any monster wants, to chill out and be cool.
I Want That Too: We ALL do.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monster #: 86,844
What Is It: A monster that lurks in the dark.
What Does It Want: To scare people obviously. I mean duh.
Why: I dunno. That's his schtick. He's proud of it.
Why Is He In Black and White: It's very artistic this way.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Monster #: 60
What Is It: The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
You Mean, Like the Victor Hugo Novel: No, the University.
The Hunchback of the University of Notre Dame: Yes, the very same.
What... Huh... Uh... : Yeah, flunked out and now he hangs out with the bells.
This Is All Very Confusing: Look, it's a college thing, OK?