Friday, April 15, 2016


Monster #: 2,375

What Is It: A friendly alien.

What Does It Want: To say "hi" I guess.

Are All Aliens As Nice As Him: No.

Fuck: I feel the same.

Monday, April 11, 2016


Monster #: 309,580

What Is It: A really hairy monster. Like, really, really hair.

How Hairy: Hairier than yo momma.

Hey Many, Leave My Mother Out of This, It's Going to Hurt Her Feelings: Oh gee, I'm sorry, I didn't realize.

Words Can Be Hurtful: You're right, I'm so sorry.

Friday, March 25, 2016


Monster #: 1,013

What Is It: Uh, some kind of... thing?

What Does It Want: Man, who knows? Something’s going on with his face, I don’t like it.

Does He Workout: You see those abs, I bet he does.

Maybe He Can Become a Fitness Guru: I think maybe you’re a little too optimistic there, bud.

Monday, March 21, 2016


Monster #: 405,988

What Is It: A very excitable lizard-type monster.

What Does It Want: To run around, have fun, that kind of thing.

Is He Friendly: Yes, very.

Will He Be My Friend: NO!

Why: He’s MY friend!

Monday, March 14, 2016


Monster #: 543,983

What Is It: I don't know, some sort of smug jackass.

What Does It Want: To make you feel bad about stuff, I think.

Oh No, I Like Stuff: I know, me too.

Can We Be Friends: (sniff)... I never thought you'd ask!


Monster #: 23,065

What Is It: A big, friendly monster.

What Does It Want: To give you a hug.

Uh, How Strong Is He: Unbelievably strong.

Could A Hug From Him Kill Me: Yes.

Can I Say No To a Hug: Yes, but you'd make him feel sad.

Uh...: Come on dude, take one for the team.

Friday, March 11, 2016


Monster #: 39,493

What Is It: A mysterious and ethereal monster.

What Does It Want: We don't know. Whatever she wants with that bug, it can't be good.

Maybe She'll Give It A Bath: Maybe she'll eat it.

You Always Go Dark: What can I say, I'm twisted person. Let me put on my Nickelback album just to show you how twisted I am.