Friday, April 27, 2012


Monster #: 405

What Is It: A very sophisticated monster.

What Does It Do: Make droll observations and write essays for The New Yorker.

What Does It Want: To write The Great American Novel.

Really: Yep. And also eat people. He likes to eat people.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Monster #: 213

What Is It: A beatnik monster that's about to lay down some mind-blowing poetry.

What Does He Want: To open up the minds of squares everywhere.

Likes: Allen Ginsberg, snapping

Dislikes: Dwight Eisenhower, clapping (only sheeple clap)

Monday, April 23, 2012

Kator the Gator

Monster #: 552

What Is It: A gigantic alligator.

What Does It Want: Who knows. He seems interested in you though.

Is That A Bad Thing: He's a gigantic alligator, you tell me.

I Remember When This Information Was Helpful: We can't help everybody, man.

Friday, April 20, 2012


Monster #: 312

What Is It: Some sort of apparition that lives between our world and the next.

What Does It Want: Who knows.

How Can I Avoid It: Beats me.

You're No Help!: Stop yelling at me!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Monster on Your Back

Monster #: 15

What Is It: A monster that lives on your back.

What Does It Do: Constantly point out your flaws and make you hate yourself.

How Can I Stop It: Ignore it.

But It's So Mean: I know.

Does Everyone Have a Monster On Their Back: Yep. Everyone.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Trello (Again)

Monster #: 612

What Is It: A very shy monster that likes to hide itself.

Why Does It Like To Hide: He's just a big baby, that's why.

Wow, That's A Little Mean: Yeah, yeah I know. I'm just going through some stuff right now.

Oh, I'm Sorry: It's not your fault. I shouldn't take it out on Trello.

Friday, April 13, 2012


Monster #: 677

What Is It: A reptilian monster with a really long neck.

What Does It Want: To be able to touch his head.

That's Pretty Sad: Yeah, Ken's got a tough life.

He Looks Kinda Funny Though: Well yeah, but we try to hold the laughter in.

We Don't Want To Hurt His Feelings: Definitely not.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Lird

Monster #: 89

What Is It: A monster that likes to perch on your head.

What Does It Want: To annoy.

Why Does It Want To Annoy: Because it's a jerk.

I Don't Like This Monster: Neither do I, and I speak from personal experience.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Gretch

Monster #: 212

What Is It: A monster that just loves calling you on your cell phone.

Why: He just wants to talk.

What Does He Want To Talk About: About how his day went, his thoughts on politics, what's on TV, etc.

Oh God, That Sounds Unbearable: Yes indeedy.

Friday, April 6, 2012


Monster #: 500

What Is It: A gangster monster that lives in the shadows.

What Does It Want: To make people pay up on old debts.

What Kind of Debts: Important debts.

How Can I Avoid Him: Be careful who you make deals with.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Monster #: 789

What Is She: Some sort of unearthly being. A ghost? An apparition?

What Does She Want: We don't know.

Does She Have Parents: Maybe. We haven't met them yet anyway.

Is She As Sweet As She Lets On: Maybe...

Monday, April 2, 2012


Monster #: 353

What Is It: A 30-foot monster that roams the streets at night.

Yawn: Huh? Why are you yawning?

I Just Feel Like I've Soon Too Many Giant Monsters: Well, it's not our fault there are lots of giant monsters!

I Know, I Just Want More Variety: There's been plenty of variety!

Dude, Don't Be Angry: I'm not angry, you loser.

I'm Not a Loser, You're A Loser: No, you are!

You Are: You are!