Friday, September 28, 2012


Monster #: 459

What Is It: Some creepy, giant beast from a distant planet.

What Does It Want: Who knows? I certainly don't want to know!

How Can I Avoid: Stay away from the planet Krakdaan.

Oh, So We're Good: Nah, Krakdaan's on a collision course with Earth within the next five years. So get used to it!

Monday, September 24, 2012

The Face

Monster #: 897

What Is It: The face that haunts you wherever you may go.

What Does It Want: We don't know.

Why Is It Smiling: We don't want to know.

How Can I Avoid It: We wish we knew.

Friday, September 21, 2012


Monster #: 614

What Is It: A fat, repulsive, ugly rich monster.

What Does It Want: Tax cuts baby!

Why: Fat, repulsive, ugly rich monsters deserve them, that's why!

How Can I Avoid It: You can't! They're everywhere!

Monday, September 17, 2012

The Tentacles

Monster #: 560

What Are They: Creepy, weird tentacles from another dimension.

What Do They Want: Who knows. They don't have brains.

What Happens If I See One: They'll probably try to suck your face off.

How Can I Avoid Them: Stay away from sea food restaurants. (Except Ivar's. They're all right.)

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Happy Bear

Monster #: 311

What Is It: A cheerful and ever-smiling bear.

What Does It Want: To wave "hi" to everyone it meets and just be a happy dude.

Wow, He Sounds Pretty Cool: Yeah, The Happy Bear is pretty cool.

How Can I Meet The Happy Bear: But don't you see, The Happy Bear was inside you all along.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Viewer

Monster #: 987

What Is It: A cruel spirit that watches our every move.

What Does It Want: To judge us.

Why: Because it enjoys judging lesser beings.

Hey, I'm Not a Lesser Being: Yeah, try telling him that. He's a real dick about it.

Monday, September 10, 2012


Monster #: 345

What Is It: A monster with a very, very, very long neck.

What Does It Want: To see whatever is off-screen to the left.

Why Is His Neck So Long: Bad genes.

How Does He Keep It Up: Good neck muscles, maybe?

Friday, September 7, 2012

Tiki Toki

Monster #: 459

What Is It: A creepy Tiki statue.

What Does It Want: To cause bad luck.

Is It the Tiki Idol From That "Brady Bunch" Episode: No.

Oh: Tiki Toki is that idol's brother.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Slinger

Monster #: 467

What Is It: Some kind of outlaw-type that lives on a distant planet.

What Does It Want: To be left alone so it can do its thing.

What Is Its "Thing": Robbery, murder, arson, etc.

But It Shouldn't Be Left Alone To Do Those Things: Well, you and it are just going to have to agree to disagree.

Monday, September 3, 2012


Name: Gip

Monster #: 67

What Is It: He's just a little baby monster.

What Does He Want: To grow up and be a big ol' monster!

He's Got a Big Head: He sure does!

Is that Healthy: Probably not. But it makes him look so cute!