Friday, April 15, 2016


Monster #: 2,375

What Is It: A friendly alien.

What Does It Want: To say "hi" I guess.

Are All Aliens As Nice As Him: No.

Fuck: I feel the same.

Monday, April 11, 2016


Monster #: 309,580

What Is It: A really hairy monster. Like, really, really hair.

How Hairy: Hairier than yo momma.

Hey Many, Leave My Mother Out of This, It's Going to Hurt Her Feelings: Oh gee, I'm sorry, I didn't realize.

Words Can Be Hurtful: You're right, I'm so sorry.

Friday, March 25, 2016


Monster #: 1,013

What Is It: Uh, some kind of... thing?

What Does It Want: Man, who knows? Something’s going on with his face, I don’t like it.

Does He Workout: You see those abs, I bet he does.

Maybe He Can Become a Fitness Guru: I think maybe you’re a little too optimistic there, bud.

Monday, March 21, 2016


Monster #: 405,988

What Is It: A very excitable lizard-type monster.

What Does It Want: To run around, have fun, that kind of thing.

Is He Friendly: Yes, very.

Will He Be My Friend: NO!

Why: He’s MY friend!

Monday, March 14, 2016


Monster #: 543,983

What Is It: I don't know, some sort of smug jackass.

What Does It Want: To make you feel bad about stuff, I think.

Oh No, I Like Stuff: I know, me too.

Can We Be Friends: (sniff)... I never thought you'd ask!


Monster #: 23,065

What Is It: A big, friendly monster.

What Does It Want: To give you a hug.

Uh, How Strong Is He: Unbelievably strong.

Could A Hug From Him Kill Me: Yes.

Can I Say No To a Hug: Yes, but you'd make him feel sad.

Uh...: Come on dude, take one for the team.

Friday, March 11, 2016


Monster #: 39,493

What Is It: A mysterious and ethereal monster.

What Does It Want: We don't know. Whatever she wants with that bug, it can't be good.

Maybe She'll Give It A Bath: Maybe she'll eat it.

You Always Go Dark: What can I say, I'm twisted person. Let me put on my Nickelback album just to show you how twisted I am.

Monday, March 7, 2016


Monster #: 10,634

What Is It: A badass and edgy monster.

What Does He Want: He wants to NOT play by your rules, man.

He Doesn't Like My Rules: No way man, he thinks your rules are totally uncool.

(Sniff)... I Try My Best: Your best ain't good enough, old man!

Friday, March 4, 2016

Daya Zik

Monster #: 20,563

What Is It: A badass alien outlaw.

What Does It Want: She wants to commit crimes and get away with it!

Oh Wow, That's Messed Up: I know!

Does She Realize It's Wrong to Commit Crimes: She does, but she does it anyway!

Oh My God: I know!

Monday, February 29, 2016


Monster #: 2,343

What Is It: A big, muscly monster.

What Does It Want: To work out and lift weights and stuff.

What About His Legs: Oh, he doesn't do any leg exercises. So they're not looking so good.

How Come Nobody Ever Focus On the Legs: 'Cause they all have huge egos.

Monday, February 15, 2016


Monster #: 2,004

What Is It: A cool, down to Earth monster.

What Does It Want: She wants to hang out, get good grades and attend a nice public university.

Do They Let Monsters Into Colleges: Not in America.

Where: Denmark, I think. They're pretty chill over there.

Friday, February 12, 2016


Monster #: 6,503

What Is It: Just a nasty, mean ol' monster.

What Does It Want: To rip everything else into shreds.

What About Shreds, Does It Rip Shreds Into Shreds: Shut up.

Wow, Rude: Don't do this shit, man.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016


Monster #: 82,589

What Is It: A childlike spirit.

What Does It Want: To cause mischief and mayhem.

Why: Because she thinks it's funny.

That's Rude: In fairness, it's funny if it doesn't happen to you.

Monday, February 8, 2016


Monster #: 100,098

What Is It: A monster that's stuck in a perpetual state of annoyance.

What Does It Want: He wants to finally find contentment.

Will He Ever: No.

He's Like Me Then: He's like all of us.

Friday, February 5, 2016


Monster #: 653,098

What Is It: Just your average single gal/monster.

What Does She Want: You ever see "Mary Tyler Moore?" Pretty much that.

She Wants to Make It After All: You bet.

She's An Inspiring Monster, Isn't She: You know it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Viv

Monster #: 3,923

What Is It: A weird, slightly demonic creature.

What Does It Want: She has a mean expression, so I'm guessing whatever it is, it isn't good for us.

What's The Third Eye For: Looking into your soul.

Mine Specifically, Or Everyone's: Everyone's. Sorry about the wording there, it got a little confusing.

Grammar Is Important: Yes, it is.

Monday, February 1, 2016


Monster #: 23,945

What Is It: Just kind of a normal dude.

What Does He Want: Normal dude things.

What Are "Normal Dude Things:" You know... things that are normal... for dudes.

You Don't Know Anything About This Guy, Do You: ...(sniff) This job is hard, man.

Friday, January 29, 2016


Monster #: 3.289

What Is It: A cute little creature with grass for hair.

What Does It Want: To spread joy and cheer and all that stuff.

Wait, Really Grass For Hair: Yes indeed.

Does She Use A Lawnmower to Cut Her Hair: Yes, yes you understand the bit.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

The Gozakk

Monster #: 5,983

What Is It: A gigantic inter-dimensional abomination.

What Does It Want: To rip through the very Space-Time Continuum.

Why: Everybody needs a hobby.

I Like Collecting Baseball Cards: That's not useful information, buddy.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Ogilvie and Staker

Monster #: 29,843

What Are They: A duo of monsters.

What Do They Want: Ogilvie (the orange one) wants to to be friends with Staker (the yellow one).

What Does Staker Want: Uh... something different than what Ogilvie wants, that's for sure.

Theses Guys Aren't the New Bert and Ernie, Are They: Oh no.

Friday, January 22, 2016


Monster #: 23,994

What Is It: A mysterious and beautiful creature.

What Does She Want: Who knows. She doesn't look happy though.

What Could Be Making Her So Unhappy: I don't know, "Making A Murdere?"

Yeah, That Show Made Me Sad Too: I feel the same.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Donna Light

Monster #: 58,384

What Is It: A cute little monster full of electricity.

What Does She Want: She just wants to dance!

Is There A Problem: Yeah, she's so full of electricity she shocks all the other dancers. And the crew people. And the audience.

Yikes: Yeah, it's a real bummer.

Monday, January 18, 2016


Monster #: 6,783

What Is It: A gigantic, lava-filled monster.

What Does It Want: To get rid of its terrible heartburn.

What's Causing the Heartburn: Are you really asking this?

Oh, Right, the Lava: Glad you caught up. Dumbass.

Friday, January 15, 2016


Monster #: 46,828

What Is It: Just a cute little monster.

What Does She Want: Being cute I guess.

There's More To Life Than Being Cute: That sounds like something a person who isn't cute would say.

...: Well?

Yeah...: That's what I thought.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Dollarman

Monster #: 2,404

What Is It: A businessman/ghost.

What Does It Want: To make money, I guess.

Who's the Woman: His partner maybe?

Think She'll Go Out On a Date With Me: Uh... I don't know? Why are you asking this.

Nevermind, Don't Worry About It: This isn't a dating service, OK? This is serious stuff.

Monday, January 11, 2016


 Monster #: 6,783

What Is It: A tremendously annoying monster.

What Does It Want: To spend all of its time with you.

Why: He doesn't have any friends.

Is It Because He Tries To Spend All of His Time With Them: That's a bingo.

Friday, January 8, 2016

The Jelpling

Monster #: 839,859

What Is It: A little scamp.

What Does It Want: To scavenge for food and avoid capture.

What Does It Like to Eat: Duck a l'Orange.

This Thing Has Pretty Refined Tastes: Yeah, he's a little snobbish.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016


Monster #: 959,398

What Is It: A robot from the distant future.

What Does It Want: To escape from it's programming and live it's own (cyber) life.

Where Is It: The year 2145.

Do We Have Hovercars By Then: No. So stop asking.

Monday, January 4, 2016


Monster #: 98,596

What Is It: A big, big monster.

What Does It Want: Not Known At This Time.

What's It Smiling About: I don't know. Nothing good I bet.

I Wish the Monsters Would Like Me: Me too.